The Closet Test

There are many ways to describe our relationship with our God. Depending on the day, one may seem to apply more than another.

Sometimes, I try to visualize the God-shaped hole that would exist in my spirit if I had never invited Him into my heart, my life and my future. I find it difficult to imagine the depth of barren aloneness because I met the Lord very young: at age 7 and have long been aware of His presence and never felt completely alone. I find it difficult to imagine threading my way through all the threats of this world without His security.

One common image for me is that of a child, clutching tightly the hand of my Father; occasionally despite warnings of danger ahead, breaking “free” and running into traffic and feeling relieved and incredibly safe when gathered into His arms, safe once more.

As I grew and learned more of this world and my place in it, I felt like a child arrayed in Daddy’s shoes, dragging His briefcase, as though I struggled with important business. And there are days I feel like a disobedient child, hiding, dreading His discipline, which is never as bad as the feeling of fear beforehand.

When up to my ears in problems, swatting at the many gnats and wolves from our enemy Satan distracting me from my purpose in life—whether from a hangnail to a trip to the E.R.--it seems as though the suit of armor He offers me is too big and heavy. I become weary and faint-hearted until He reminds me to let Him handle the battle; all I need to do is carry His cloak.

Perhaps because often I have heard warnings to remember Jesus goes everywhere we go, step by step so we must watch where we take Him, I picture myself driving a car but since the road ahead is new to me, I seem to make many wrong turns and temporarily lose my way. I have to go back to the beginning and move to the passenger’s seat and relax, allowing Him to direct my trip.

One day while hanging my coat in the closet, another thought surfaced. They say Jesus has many hands to do His work (attached to the arms of His followers). What if I were His coat He put on when He went out on the Father’s business? What if this coat was feeling worn out or bored and said, “No Sir, I don’t want to go to church today. I want a day off. Take me to a park or maybe let’s go gamble at that casino I’ve heard about.”  Does my coat decide where I go? Sometimes this image keeps me from “taking that day off” if I think of myself as His coat and it’s His decision where we go today.